Plumes Cause Brain Damage
by joolay
Summary: Follow the adventures of four friends in this zany fic about love, friendship, the quirks of marching band, and getting your knickers caught in your band jacket.
1. Teddy Grahams and Socks

Julie walked into the band room, her flute under one arm and her flip folder under the other. In her actual hands, however, were her black socks and hat, complete with the plume. It was highly difficult trying to manage all these things as she made her way to her seat, which was occupied by her friend Sarah.

"Erm..Sarah..can I have my seat for a second..?" Julie asked, her legs wobbling under her as she stood at Sarah's side. Sarah turned around from where she had been talking to Hayley, Julie's other friend, and hopped up quickly, looking embarrassed.

"Sorry! I mean, I didn't know you were here and..well anyway do you need help with any of that?" Sarah waited, her hands outstretched. Julie sat down in her seat and let out a long breath of air. She handed Sarah her black socks and put the rest under her chair. Sarah stared at the socks for a bit, then sniffed them discretely.

"Did you just sniff my socks?" Julie asked.

"Yes. They smelled like teddy grahams."

Before Julie could reply to this odd statement, Mister Barnett, the band's director, had stepped up on the podium and had told everyone to take their seats. Sarah took off with Julie's socks and Julie stared after her, her eyebrows rasied.

"First off, I just wanted to let you all know how proud I am of you all. We've had practice for two weeks straight and tonight we finally pulled it off. You guys were great! You sounded the best you had ever sounded, in my opinion. And I'm a hairy old man who enjoys wearing my wife's pantyhose when she isn't at home." Mister Barnett clapped his hands together three times, slapped his hiney, then jumped off his podium and ran out the door. Everyone sat in silence.

"That was peculiar." Kayla Pierce commented. Everyone turned to look at her.

"I guess we go home now?" Julie asked uncertainly.

Then there was sudden commotion as everyone started packing up their instruments and putting things away. Julie sighed and turned to Hayley Thatcher who was a flute player and one of her closest friends. "Um, Hayley?"

"Eh?" Hayley raised an eyebrow.

"Did that seem even a little bit strange to you?"

"What?"

"You know, the sudden statement about pantyhose. Didn't it seem...unlike him?"

"No."

"Are you sure about that?"

"No."

"Are you even listening to me?"

Hayley, who was known for her ADD, ignored this question and was too busy watching her pinky finger wiggle. Julie sighed and got up from her seat. She then stood on tippy toes trying to spot Sarah, who had taken custody of her socks.

"Looking for these?" A familiar voice asked from behind her. Julie spun around, and sure enough her eyes met those of her friend.

"Gimme mah socks!" Julie exclaimed so fast it sounded like one word. Sarah laughed and wiggled the socks out in front of Julie's face. She moved them back and forth, and Julie's eyes followed them. Her pupils moved from left to right, and Julie began to feel very sleepy.

"Woah Julie. You look all high. I knew it wasn't just powdered sugar on those brownies before the game today." Hayley was now standing next to Sarah, who was still coaxing Julie with the socks.

"You will kiss anyone who says the word 'flamingo'." Sarah said in a low voice, the socks still swinging. Julie watched them, drool starting to form at the corners of her mouth.

"I will kiss anyone who says the word 'flamingo'." Julie repeated slowly in a droning voice.

"When I snap my fingers, you will come out of your state-" Sarah started, but Hayley put her hand over Sarah's mouth.

"Wait! I wanna say something too! You will sniff anybody's butt that asks you your name." Hayley said in giggles. Sarah scowled at her.

"I will sniff a duck when I burst a blood vein." Julie repeated in the same droning voice.

"No! Crap- she heard you wrong!" Sarah said, smacking Hayley upside the head. Hayley seemed to be amused though, because she was now holding her nose to keep herself from snorting.

"Um, when I snap my fingers you will come out of this trance." Sarah continued.

"When you tap dance with lemurs I will take off my pants." Julie repeated. Hayley burst out in laughter, snorting with glee. Sarah's mouth dropped open. She threw the socks over her shoulder and started shaking Julie.

Meanwhile, the socks landed on Kayla Pierce's head and she began running around flapping her arms like a headless chicken. "The sky's falling! The sky's falling!" She then ran into a wall and the room became much quieter.

Back with the three girls, Julie blinked and Sarah stopped shaking her. Julie looked at Sarah, then Hayley, a look of confusion on her face. "What's everyone looking at?" She asked, backing up a bit. Hayley opened her mouth to say something but Sarah stomped on her foot.

"We're just..um..looking at your beautiful face." Sarah lied. Hayley was clutching her foot sobbing.

"If you're going to look, pay the toll." Julie tried to make a joke, but crickets chirped.

Suddenly, Mister Smith, the band's student teacher who comically wasn't any taller than a three year old, walked up to the girls with his hands on his hips. "What are you girls up to?" He asked, eyeing each of them suspiciously, eyeing Hayley the longest because she now had her foot in her mouth sucking on it.

"Mister Smith, what's your favorite animal?" Julie asked suddenly for no reason. She just had the sudden urge to ask someone that. Mister Smith scratched his chin and thought for a moment.

"Well, I must admit I enjoy the occasional flamingo." Sarah and Hayley exchanged wide-eyed looks.


	2. How to Sweet Talk a Vending Machine

Kayla Pierce stood on the school's front steps with a light breeze lifting her hair. She watched the cars go by for a long moment, then turned and headed towards the band room because practice would be starting soon.

"Gah!" She exclaimed, as an excited Hayley embraced her right when she walked through the door. "What's the meaning of this?!" She demanded, trying to pry Hayley off. Hayley wrapped her legs around Kayla and held on tighter.

"I'm never letting go, m'love!" Hayley sang out, nuzzling her face against Kayla's stomach.

"Ychh! Offa me!" Kayla finally gave one hard shove and she was free from Hayley's grabby hands. Hayley was much like a sloth. She was a bit slow ( in the head ) but could climb trees like a triumphant squirrel-monkey!

"Why'd ya get all clingy?" Kayla asked Hayley. Hayley sighed.

"I'm aching for companionship."

"Well go ache somewhere else. This saddle's already occupied by another bottom."

Hayley made a face. "That was interesting. By who?"

Kayla stared hard across the busy bandroom towards her one and only lover, Frank. "He's so scrumptious! He's the cherry on top, the cotton in the candy, the poopy in my diaper! I WILL marry him!!" Kayla roared and started beating her chest with raging fists. Hayley kicked her then took off running to find Julie.

"Eh!!" Hayley cried, out of breath, as she appeared at Julie's side. Julie stared at her.

"Can I help you? I'm kind of busy here." Julie pointed at a grape laying on the floor. Hayley raised an eyebrow.

"Um, I didn't mean to interfere? Do you two need a room?"

"Nah, we're fine." Julie smiled.

"Well, okay. I'll leave you two alone I guess?" Hayley turned and left them. She sighed. Everyone had a lover except for her. She decided it was time once and for all to find someone. She scanned the room full of victims. She felt much like a lioness stalking her prey and she imagined the bandroom as a watering hole. All the animals were wild and hungry; Even tiny Mister Smith jumped up on a chair and started flinging his poo.

"Hey Hayley." Said a voice. Hayley turned around and there was the grape laying at her feet. She blinked, rubbed her eyes and looked again to make sure it was really there. It was just a normal grape on the floor. How it had got there was a mystery.

"Hey Hayley have you seen my gr-...there he is!" Julie bent down and picked him up, then glared at Hayley. "What were you doing with him? You weren't trying to make any moves were ya?"

"No! He was making the moves on me! I swear!" Hayley exclaimed defensively.

"Who are we talking about?" Kayla asked, suddenly at the girls' side. Julie pointed at the grape. Kayla bit her lip. "That's a grape." She informed them. Julie gasped and covered her ears.

"Shh! He doesn't know that! He thinks he's a turtle!" Julie stroked the grape and started whispering to it to 'calm it down'.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anybody. Anyway, I was going to go get a drink from the cafeteria. Anybody wanna come with me?" Kayla asked, fishing some change out of her pant pocket.

"Ooh me me! Pick me!" Hayley grabbed Kayla's hand and took off in a run.

"Hmm...what do I want..?" Kayla tapped her chin and her eyes scanned over the dozens of soft drink choices. "Maybe a Sprite..nah maybe I want a root beer. No! wait! I want apple juice!"

"Apple juice isn't on there." Hayley said and rolled her eyes. "Hurry up and pick something! I'm starting to grow a beard!"

Kayla tapped her toe. Then her eyes widened as she realized what she wanted. She dropped in fifty cents into the con slot and pressed the 'Dr.Pepper' button. The machine made a little burp noise and nothing happened. "Nuu! It ate my money!" Kayla began kicking the machine then reared back and planted one hard strong kick into it. "Ayy!" She jumped back and started hopping on one foot.

"Maybe we better go.." Hayley grabbed her arm and started to drag her, but Kayla wasn't ready to give up.

"No! I'm not leaving til I get my Dr.Pepper!" She wrapped her arms around the machine and looked as if she were trying to dance with it, but she was only trying to shake the can out. Several students walked past her and gave her a weird look.

"Kayla! Give up! It's only a drink! Nothing to burst a spleen over! Look, you're not even doing it right. Here's how you do it- coke machines have feelings too. Try using _manners_." Hayley started patting the machine and rubbed it. "May we please have our can Mister or Misses Beautiful Coke Machine who is the king and or queen of all vending machines on the earth?"

Out it popped.


	3. What's Behind The Stall Door?

"Who came up with the word 'linoleum'?" Asked a tiny voice from behind Julie. Julie turned around and her eyes fell upon her mentally crippled friend Hayley. Julie didn't know what to say, so she made something up.

"Mister Rhonda Linny-oleum. And why do you ask, my quizzical little lawn chair?" Hayley frowned.

"Why do you ask why I ask? Is it such a crime to want to gain knowledge of kitchen flooring?" Hayley gave Julie a mean look then stomped off mumbling things like 'poo noggin' and 'mister meanie pants'. The subject of linoleum was never brought up again.

SARAH

Sarah was the kind of person that makes you feel good about yourself and that you can relate with. Everyone seemed to like her. Excluding Richard Simmons cause he's never met her. Neither has Bill Clinton. Okay, you catch the drift.

Sarah was surrounded by everyone as usual. It seemed if Sarah walked into the room, someone would stop what they were doing and rush over to be at her side first. And this time it happened to be Kayla, who was trying to fight off the rest of the pack.

"Back off, you tribe of spankalicious car seats! She's mine, you hear? All mine! Ah heh muah heh!" Kayla began to foam at the mouth, and her left eye was a bit out of alignment. Everyone backed away slowly, because you're not supposed to run from a wild animal, you're supposed to be very still. If all else fails, try digging a small hole that is deep enough for you to squat in. 

-Courtesy of _The Survival Guide For People Who Are Face To Face With A Band Nerd Who Possibly Has Rabies-_

"Oh Kayla. Come along now. We need to go for a walk. Pip! Don't mingle, let's tally along now." Sarah was speaking British for some reason. But it was cool because Sarah is cool and we all love her.

Kayla whimpered like an infant turtle and hurried along behind Sarah. The two left the band room and headed to the girl's bathroom. Why? Well wouldn't you like to know?..you pervert.

Sarah stood in front of the mirror and ran her hands over her face. "My head is so big." She said out of her big plump lips.

"Well I look so fat." Kayla said as she was a big fat guy.

The two stood criticizing themselves for ten minutes tops, then Sarah heard a strange noise. "Oh my dear goodness! What was that I just heard?" She struck a dramatic pose then cupped her ear to hear it better. "Sweet Maggots! There it was again!"

"I wanna hear! Lemme have at it!-"

"No you impudent mortal! It's my strange noise case right now! You can have the next one. Now let's see...it's coming from.." She turned and stood in front of a stall door. "..in _there_."

Kayla bit her lip and gasped. "No! It can't be! Maybe someone's in danger!"

"Quiet, you!" Sarah grabbed Kayla's head and bit off her ear. She then released her and stood in front of the stall again, pulling at her goatee in thought. Kayla whimpered a bit, then fainted. "Well that takes care of that." Sarah kicked Kayla aside as suddenly-

"Sarah! What 'cha'll up to, eh? Tinklin' perhaps? Or powdering our noses?" Mister Smith asked, flouncing into the bathroom. Sarah blinked.

"What are you doing in the girl's bathroom?"

Mister Smith didn't answer. Instead, he used Kayla's body as a footstool to apply his eyeliner in the mirror. Sarah sniggered.

"What are you laughing at?" He asked, putting his delicate little hands on his delicate little hips.

"Nothing- shut up. Before you came in here I was trying to listen to a noise." Sarah and Mister Smith listened in silence. Then a cry was heard.

"Ooh ooh! I heard a cry! Go Smith-myster!" Mister Smith praised himself then began humping the air. Sarah gagged.

"Ew. Now let's see what's in this stall. Someone might be hurt!" She inched close to the stall door and placed a hand on the handle. Mister Smith went to hide in a wastebasket, because he could fit in it.

There was a pause, and the atmosphere was electric and the hair on Sarah's neck erected as she opened the door.

She screamed as she saw a-

_We're sorry to interrupt this program but we have an important announcement to make. Buy aqua-pants today! Are they water, or are they pants? They virtually feel weightless- and they look great, too! Only three-cough-thousand-mill-cough-ion dollars! Buy them today!_

_This product may cause fog and or hypothermia. It may also cause frost bite and or you to become sponge-like around the groin area. There have also been minor cases where it caused drowning..but that's only if you normally try to breathe-in your pants. This product includes shipping and handling._


	4. Mister B Has a New Idea

"Okay band, time to warm up before we head out to the football field." Mister Barnett exclaimed to his boisterous band class.

"Yeah! Which scales, Smit-myster?" Asked Kayla. She was the most enthusiastic girl in the band at the moment, because she had recently been in the instrument room sniffing up crushed Smarties. Mister Barnett held his stomach and laughed sinfully, his man-boobs flopping up and down. The class made 'ew' noises.

"You stupid mortal! We no longer warm up with scales, we warm up with Tai Bo! Everybody up! I'm feelin' crazy!"

The class mumbled incoherently and they all got up from their seats. "But mister Barnett! Hayley just went into a coma-"

"Then that's her problem, isn't it miss Dadis?" He asked Julie, and slapped her across the face.

"We've got to escape!" Sarah whispered to Julie. Julie nodded and tapped Kayla on the shoulder, then whispered it in her ear. Kayla's eyes lit up.

"No way, Jose! I can feel the burn!" Kayla was doing some kicks and squats, and was obviously still doped up on the Smarties, unless she really like Tai Bo or something.

"Forget Kayla! We have to make a run for it!" Sarah yelled over commotion of the band room. There was a scream every now and then and a "Woo hoo" from Kayla. Sarah and Julie crawled under the chairs and spotted the door ten feet ahead.

"Do you think we should just run for it? Should we risk it?" Julie glanced at Mister Barnett to see if he was paying attention. At the moment he had Jim on all fours riding him like a pony.

"Coast is clear! Okay..one..two..three..go!" The two girls sprinted out from under the chairs and started in a run. They reached the door and burst outside to freedom. "Yes!" They stopped running, high-fived, and stood panting, but soon there was an odd sound coming from behind them.

"Yee haw!" It was Mister Barnett atop his noble steed, Jim, and they were gaining fast.

"Crap! What now?" Julie whimpered as they got closer and closer. Jim looked quite triumphant with his hair flowing and his graceful trotting, but how he stood the weight of Mister Barnett was a mystery.

"Do you think Mister Barnett put steroids in Jim's oats?" Julie asked, scratching her chin. Sarah grabbed her arm.

"There's no time to think about…hey, maybe you're right. Ah what am I doing?! Come on! Quick- this way!" Sarah and Julie dashed down the sidewalk, leaving the school behind. "We'll have to steal one of these babies." Sarah was talking about a tractor. They were in the parking lot and for some reason there were about fifteen of them.

"Hey! This isn't a story about the Murray County Band!" Julie screamed towards the sky. Sarah stared at her funny.

"Who are you talking to?"

"The author! She lives in the clouds! There's a whole world up there! I've seen it!"

"Julie, have you been watching The Little Mermaid again? You and your Disney movies. Now come on, do you know how to hot-wire a tractor?" Sarah put her hands on her hips and stared at the tractor with her lips pursed. "Hmm.."

"We could take this." Julie pointed at a airplane that was parked next to the tractor in the parking lot. It had a welcome mat that read "Welcome Sarah and Julie. This plane has already been gassed up and is ready to fly. You both can fly a plane because you went to airplane school, because I said so...and also because I'm too lazy to write a whole new chapter about how you have to get your flying license."

"It's the author!" Julie exclaimed, with her finger pointed towards the Heavens.

"Julie- don't be silly. There's no such thing as authors, you know that."

"But I sit out milk and cookies for them on Saint Patrick's Day."

"That's just an old superstition. I bet you also believe in janitors, too." Julie looked down and blushed. "Ha, I knew it." Before Sarah could rub it in, the two girls heard the neighing of Jim. It sounded close. "Quick! Into the band-mobile!" They scuttled up the plane's steps and shut the door tight behind them.

"Do you know how to fly this thing?" Julie asked Sarah, looking nervously at all the levers and buttons. Sarah pushed up her sleeves.

"Since three minutes ago." Sarah positioned herself in the pilot's seat and glanced over all the switches. "Wow, that sure is a lot of buttons. I like buttons. Especially this red one." Written below the red button in small print was the warning 'Do Not Push.'

"Well, we better push it." Sarah said calmly.

"No Sarah! Don't be naive!"

She pushed it. A small tv dropped down and hung from the ceiling. On the screen was Dora the Explorer.

"Ah! Educational television ahh!" Sarah covered her eyes.

"I think I'll take Mister Barnett over this. How about you?"

"Yeah okay."

---

Mister Barnett was standing on the podium and in his hand was the tv remote for the band room's tv.

"Kids, I've decided Tai Bo isn't very effective. That's why I've ordered us Telletubbies on Pay Per View."

"Noooo!" Julie and Sarah screamed in unison.

"Yes! Woo hoo!" Cried an enthusiastic Kayla who was doing kicks and squats.


End file.
